My name is Anita, I am 33 years old, married with two teenage children. I live in Michigan. Prior to entering a methadone program, I had tried inpatient, out- patient, 12-step programs, the whole nine yards, and for me, none of them worked, and didn't for my husband either.

I met my husband when I was fifteen years old, and have been with him ever since. When I met him he was a drug addict and a heavy drinker. I didn't use drugs and seldom drank. I liked him alot and saw that he had a great personality and he was fun to be with WHEN he WASN'T high or drinking. I THOUGHT I could change him, and help him, WRONG.....

We married when I turned eighteen, and soon after came the kids. He was never home. He was always out getting high; on heroin, crack, booze, you name it...he did it.

My husband started using drugs at the age of twelve. His entire family, including his mother, uses. I felt like an outcast. When I would enter a room, they would either stop talking or whisper. For many years, eight years, in fact, I continued being the good wife. I was always at home with the kids, cleaning house, doing what I was taught a wife and mother should do...

Over the years my husband's drug use soared. He was now stealing, lying, and was never home. I was scared, lonely, and didn't know what to do... I started thinking maybe there was something to all these drugs, that I didn't understand...there must be, gosh, everyone's doing it, so why not at least TRY it and see for myself... So after going back and forth with the why I should and why I shouldn’t do this, I waited for hubby to come home off one of his binges, and when he did, I told him I wanted to try heroin. He said, "NO". I said, "Why not?" He told me he didn’t want me getting addicted like he was. I said, "Either you get it for me, or I will go out and find it myself"... So he did. He went and got me a few packs and WA-LA! I LOVED IT! It was a feeling of warmth, and I felt maybe if I do these drugs, my husband will stay home and not leave. So here I go, years into this world of Hell. After awhile you don't even use drugs to get high, you use them to feel...well... NORMAL. NOT SICK.

I found out in 1988 I was pregnant, and I stopped cold turkey and stopped using all drugs. I thought, "O.K., I'm pregnant, and if I am stopping, my husband will surely, too".... WRONGGGGGG, there he goes again, back to being gone all the time, stealing, lying, everything. I was so scared AGAIN.

January of 1989 rolls by, and I'm due to deliver anytime. The baby dies. I went off into a depression like you wouldn't believe. I kept asking, God, why is this happening to me, all this bad stuff. I only wanted a normal life; a marriage where the husband goes to work, comes home, pays the bills, have a little house, be happy for the most part...that's all I wanted.... but no, that wasn't happening.

Shortly after the funeral, I told my husband that if he didn't get sober, I was leaving him. I couldn't do this anymore. I loved him, but, the kids and I didn't deserve this kind of life, and neither did he. He agreed to go into the hospital, inpatient AGAIN, and give this another try... Well while he was in there, and remember this is 1989, AIDS was a fairly new thing then. I remember my husband calling me and asking how the kids were, how I was, and then telling me how he was doing. All was going good, and I was happy. In his conversation he said, "Oh yeah, today they said they have this test to look for that HIV thing, so I figured take it, why not", and I said, "Yeah, take it...just to be sure". And, that was the LAST time I ever thought about it. I just dismissed it and went on with talking to him...

Two weeks later, I get a knock at the door. My mother-in-law stood at the door. This was VERY unusual. She never came to visit, so I KNEW something was VERY wrong. I asked her, "Whets the matter? Did he check himself out of the hospital?" She said, "Pack up the kids, we need to go to the hospital", and she had tears in her eyes. I said, "I am not leaving this house Mom, until you tell me whets going on"...and she broke down crying and said, "Anita, I'm so sorry...but, I got a phone call today, the test that he took for HIV came back positive, he has AIDS".

I still remember this like it was yesterday, and the moment froze, and all I could do was freeze, and then from nowhere came this scream that was pulled from inside me from the depths of my soul, and I screamed so loud and RAN... I took off out of that house and ran, and ran , and ran, and ran...thinking, my kids, I'm gonna die, my children, they're gonna die, my husband, we are all going to die, why God, why do this to me, what did I do wrong, I never asked for any of this. Please STOP IT ALL.

Well, I went up to the hospital, and was tested twice for HIV and the test came back negative. The kids were fine, too. I was told I could never have any more kids with my husband, and that sex was out of the question, along with alot of other stuff...

Once my husband was released from the hospital, he went out and had a death wish, he sank farther into drugs then I thought possible. I thought he would die from the drugs before AIDS killed him. This went on for years...in and out of rehabs, 12-step programs, and the withdrawal was SO BAD. I fell back into using drugs. I was scared, alone, confused, everything... and, as I've said before, I used after awhile to feel "not sick". I hated withdrawal...

So, all these years have gone by, and we have tried alot of things to stop for good, but, none worked. One day, we heard a friend speaking of methadone. I asked what it was, the friend told me it was for people on heroin and pain pills, or persons with chronic pain. They said it stopped all the craving and withdrawal... Those words, "NO WITHDRAWL", was like music to my ears.... so I thought, "Hey, why not?"

I asked my husband about it one night, and we talked for hours about methadone treatment. I told him we had to do something. I didn't like being addicted. It was September 13th, 1994, the first day of the beginning of a GREAT, HAPPY NEW LIFE, for the kids, my husband, and me. Methadone has enabled us to STOP ALL DRUGS, and focus on the underlying problems we had to face. Meaning, the methadone prevented us from going through withdrawal, and we didn't crave, and we could THINK CLEARLY FOR ONCE. We both joined the program. And now, looking back on all those programs we tried that didn't work, I sure wish to GOD that we would have known about methadone. Since beginning the program in 1994, neither my husband or myself have relapsed once. We have since have repaired ourselves and our family. We moved into a new home in a nice area, bought a new car, and I am able to work and go to school. I am going to start a new business soon. As for my husband...He is HAPPY. Yes, he has HIV, but, we now take one day at a time, and we value each moment together and with our kids.

Methadone doesn't work for everyone, but, it DOES WORK. YOU have to want it to work and work with it. Methadone takes away the withdrawal and takes away the craving so you can focus on the more important issues that lead you to begin using drugs. Then you can rebuild your life. Yes, one will become physically dependent on methadone, but, the way I look at it, I'd rather be dependent on methadone right now, and know I'm going to wake up tomorrow happy, instead of with a needle in my arm, and doing horrible and rotten things not only to myself, but to the people that love me as well.

You will hear negative things about methadone. Methadone isn't a miracle drug that says I'm cured, but, it sure does make it SO EASY to get off heroin and pills. It takes away the craving, so I can get on my way to a happy, safe, productive life.....