Anonymous

I loved heroin. I still do, though logically I know what a mess it made of my life and the bad affect it had on those around me. I watched other addicts fall down the spiral, eventually to die from mixing alcohol, pills, dope, etc. and kept on using because I loved the high and feeling of normalcy it gave me for the first time in my life (except when the sickness started-shudder-).

After about three years I started to seriously wish that I could stop. I hadn't hit the skids thanks to family financial support (and unconditional love) but realized my life had stagnated into a routine of getting and then using my heroin. I tried to "cold turkey" several times and didn't get very far. I've managed to block out those episodes as best I can. I then looked into alternatives.

UROD was just being promoted and I was excited until I heard my friend's horror stories. Ibogaine remains intriguing but unproven and inaccessible. I heard all the usual tales about the evils of methadone rampant on the streets but decided to try a clinic.

I was put through the usual demeaning routine and questions and dissuaded from maintenance because "I hadn't been an addict long enough yet." They made it seem that high doses were bad and kept me under 80 ml, saying that that dose should hold anyone. I kept using the entire time (three months) and then dropped out wondering why I should have a double addiction and convinced methadone could never work for me.

Four years later I was arrested for drug offenses. Before my first court appearance I high-tailed it to another methadone clinic so it would look good to the court (I was looking at a possible 8yr sentence-eeek!) and I wanted to have some control over my treatment. Luckily, the clinic was much different than the first one I attended. They said the only important thing was to get off heroin and brought me up to where I was finally comfortable. It was a slow process and I kept using for a month since they started at 30 ml and raised in 10 ml increments, but it finally worked for me once I had reached a dose far in excess of 100 ml. I could not believe the difference a higher dose made. I HAD NO WITHDRAWL SYMPTONS, CRAVINGS or DISCOMFORT AT ALL! Nobody before had adequately stressed the difference a good blocking dose could make. I had heard the term 'blocking dose' but people said they still had cravings or used sometimes or couldn't sleep through the night, etc. It was a genuine miracle. I had my life back! I wasn't even sleepy, or sluggish as many street junkies complained methadone made them feel. (Getting three years probation was great, too! I could say much about stigma, victimless crimes, public defenders, the drug war and court strategies for poor junkies but that's literally another story)

So, after a total of eight years as a junkie, MMT has given me a chance at a productive, happy life. I've been off heroin or anything else for seven months and am putting the pieces back together. I'd rather not contemplate where'd I'd be without methadone. The main thing I'd tell other junkies with no hope that methadone works is "don't give up until you've reached a high enough dose. No one can tell you what that dose is, but you will definitely know when you reach it. It is amazing."