July 28, 2000

I am a 26 year old female who has over four years clean because of Methadone Maintenance Treatment. This has truly been a lifesaving drug for me and I truly believe that if it wasn't for MMT I would be dead. To help you see much this drug has saved and changed my life, I will give you some insight to how I got to where I am.

I think that it all started when I was six years old. I was at my paternal grandmothers visiting my Dad(my Mom and Dad divorced when I was young). We were in the kitchen, wondering where my Dad had gone to, so we started looking for him. We went out to the backyard into a building that had stored junk in it and found my Dad hanging. He had committed suicide. I don't know if any of you has seen somebody hang or not, but, it is not the prettiest site to see (the things the body does) especially for a child. >{? Well, my Dad was dead and I tuned it out. It is so true that you handle stuff better when you are young than when you are older. I would come to find out how true this is. When I was around 11 or 12 years old, I can remember having violent dreams that would scare me so badly, I would freeze up and could not yell for my Mom, nor could I move. I never told anyone about my dreams, nor did I ever talk about how uncomfortable I felt at school when friends would ask about my Father. No one was ever cruel. We would all start talking about family, and you know how it goes... But, anyway, at about the age of 12, I started experimenting with alcohol and pot at parties and hanging out with friends. I never told my Mom how badly what happened with my Dad bothered me. I blocked it out when it happened, and continued to block it out until I was about 11 yrs old.

It started coming back to me in my dreams, like I mentioned earlier. I was always one of these children who was very good at hiding things that were bothering them. I would smile and act like nothing in the world was wrong, when in fact, I was very sad inside.

When I was 13, I tried cocaine and acid along with weekend drinking and smoking. These things didn't give me the relief that I was looking for, but, I think I was hoping that something would help me deal with these feelings. I did not feel right inside my head and hadn't since the day my Dad died. They say the mind blocks things out that it can't deal with, as a way of coping.

My mom was a single mom and the best mom that one could ever want. Depression runs in her family and my fathers family, both. My Mom always worked hard to provide me with a the middle-class life. I was not the type that anybody would imagine would become a junkie later on in life. The first time I tried an opiate was when I had my tonsils taken out, and they gave me Tylenol #3 for the pain. I can remember to this day the difference in how I felt mentally after taking one. During the age of 14 and 15 I ate a pain pill whenever one of my girlfriends had one, still continuing to ease that feeling inside my head and my heart.

The summer before I turned 16, one of the best things that would ever happen to me, happened, I met the love of my life. Larry was 18 and was so much fun to be around. We hit it off from the start. Larry's friends were older (his age) plus he had two older brothers who hung around people their age (in their 20's). We had the best time together, and within about six months we were seeing each other exclusively.

This was about the time when we started eating Lortabs on the weekends. We would buy four or five at a time. I would take one or two, and he would take the rest. They made me feel great! I would have no nightmares about my Dad. I felt normal. I didn't feel sad. I could be the happy person that everybody thought Donna was. I had confidence and felt normal inside my head, I hope you understand where I am coming from when I say this.

Well, by my seventeenth birthday we had started eating them everyday, and we were drinking less and less, because we didn't like the way it would make us feel the next day. Lortabs until you get hooked, don't make you feel bad the next day, you can get out and run around and the law doesn't know if they pull you over, nor did my Mom know, as she did when I was drinking. Ever since I took my first one, they gave me energy, they didn't make me drowsy until hours later.

At the very beginning, I could take two and they would last all day long, but this don't last forever. They were cheaper than beer, felt better, and I felt normal. Later on, these feelings came with a price attached, but, by then it was too late.

The first time we realized that we had a problem, it was a Friday afternoon, and we had decided that we were not going to spend any money on Lortabs for a few days (we had been eating them everyday for over a year). That evening I started feeling different. It started out with sniffles and goosebumps. By the next morning my legs hurt, I was nauseated, and trying to convince myself that I had the flu. I couldn't be addicted! Not me! Well, by Saturday evening we bought some Lortabs and within 45 minutes were feeling like a new person. I was worried then,but, put it out of my mind.

People tried to tell us, but, we had seen people strung out, and we didn't think we were like that. We still have a place to live, three trucks, a motorcycle, money in the bank, etc.. Besides, we were not like those people that spend their last dime on some pill (we would become that very soon).

One day we had taken about 20 Lortabs each, and a few ounces of Tussionex, and we were still sick. There were some peach pills (60 mg. morphine pills) around, and even though we said we would never do that...we wanted to feel better. We paid $50 for one and had the "friend" mix it up for us and hit us. That was all it took for me, I rationalized this by saying that it was cheaper than the Lortabs, because for $50 we could split one and feel good all day. Larry was resistant, but, not me. I had found Heaven, and it kept me normal. This was to be the beginning of the end as we started doing these everyday.

I thought that I had seen a Jones on Lortab; Boy, was I wrong! It doesn't take long for dope to take over everything, and it seems when I started shooting dope, my life went downhill in overdrive. I had a new love in my life, and its name was Morphine/Dialudid/Heroin, and boy, was it greedy! It took a relationship that never argued, was best friends, and destroyed it little by little. This doesn't happen overnight, but in little ways, like doing dope behind each others back, lying, doing things for the dope that disgusts ones self, stealing, etc. When you get strung out on needle dope it becomes alot harder to hide it, and you really began to not care who knows.

This broke my Mom's heart seeing her only child looking like Death warmed over; underweight, bathing maybe twice a week, etc. She started getting on me about getting some help. I thought, 'Well, if it will make you happy...". I went to an outpatient place and would get high before I went. Next, I tried an inpatient program that gave me four Dialudids a day to bring me down. They did this for four days and on the 5th day released me with nothing, because my insurance would not pay no more than for five days. I was very sick when they released me, and I went and got some dope.

About one month after this, my relationship with Larry was strained very badly. We broke up, and I went to a Methadone Clinic, I had just turned 22 and I went on the six month Detox Program. At first, my Mom was not happy about this, as she had not seen the good that could come from methadone, and she didn't want me on Methadone all my life.

Larry and I were broke up for a total of one month, and then we got back together. He had cut down using drugs to about four times a week, and was trying to stop. He wouldn't do any drugs around me. For the first time since I began using drugs, I was able to not do dope. I had gone from spending $400 a day to none. Little by little, I put weight back on and looked like I used to look. Everyone in my family thought I was cured, and should detox from methadone. I thought that I would be able to just use on the weekends.

I detoxed down to 20 mgs., then went into a medical detox for two weeks (to get down to 0 mgs). I now realize that I should have listened to myself, and not tried to make other people happy. Also not listened to my addiction. After my medical detox, I went into an inpatient facility for six weeks. This place was very strict, and had not dealt with opiate addiction much, as they (the state of NC) mainly dealt with crack (something I never had a desire to try). Once off the methadone I felt like I used to feel. I am not talking about the withdrawal and the time it takes to feel better, but, about mentally feeling better.

Everyday I craved dope, everything I looked at reminded me of dope. Larry was at home in Tennessee, and he had started doing dope wide open again, with me in rehab. Since the first time I tried opiates they made my head feel right, nothing else ever did that. I had convinced myself that I could use only on the weekends when I got out of the Rehab. Within five minutes of leaving Swain (the treatment center) I was high and feeling normal.

From there, it didn't take ome month, and I was strung out--shooting dope everyday, seven or eight times a day. The funny thing about opiate addiction is that it grows all the time, but, when I was on methadone it kept my addiction in check. I felt normal and could handle my cravings. I didn't use the whole five months when I had been on methadone. It was wonderful. Larry saw how good the methadone worked for me, and he decided to go back on the program with me.

We started the first day of June, and have not used drugs since. We are at a place in life that I never imagined we could be at. We have over four years clean. We just paid our home off, and are going to start trying to have a baby. This is such a great feeling to be clean. Life just keeps improving, and my mom is so proud of us. She has become the biggest supporter of our methadone treatment. She has educated herself about MMT, and has witnessed the wonders that can happen with methadone.

If someone would have told me six years ago that I could be where I am in my in life today, I would have told them that they were crazy. I am lucky that I found methadone at age 22, or I would not be able to be turning 27 in September. I would be dead or in jail. Things have not been easy the whole time. I was discriminated against for being on methadone, and I was thrown out of a doctors office just because I was on methadone. But, I am strong enough now to handle the ignorance that my small Tennessee town suffers from.

Larry and I were married December 30, 1999, after being together for ten years. It never would have happened if not for methadone. It is a sad thought that I just about missed out on all of these things that life has to offer, especially life itself. It is great not doing all the horrible things that dope drives one to do to oneself and to the ones that love the addicted person.

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