I am a 38 year old woman who has been on drugs for more than half of my life. I started using when I was 13. I smoked pot and drank, and eventually began to steal pills from my mom's purse. Back in the 70's it seemed as though everybody's parents were prescribed valium and some sort of speed.

The first time I tried heroin I was 16 and I loved it. I was into crank at the time and the crank was easier to get than the heroin was. As a result, I really didn't start using heroin on a regular basis until after I was married and had my first child. First, I started to use crank again since that was the "in" thing to do. It was accepted amongst my friends, who were very non-judgmental - especially since I had been straight during my whole pregnancy and now it was time to party, yipee!!! However, that didn't last long and I got strung out very quickly.

I began using heroin again when I remembered how very 'normal' it made me feel. I felt needed all the help I could get to feel normal... I would sneak it when I couldn't function alone with the baby during the week and hubby was working after our long, up all night party from Friday night to Sunday morning. EEEWWW!!!!!!!! I snapped out of the post-partum blues and started functioning like a mother/ wife should, at 18, and felt as if I had finally found my miracle cure to living life on life's terms.

A few years later, I became pregnant again, and stopped using all drugs as a result. It wasn't as easy this time around, but I managed. The whole thing repeated itself just like the last time. My baby was born in August.

I hadn't used anything for a year and 1 month when my 21st birthday rolled around, so I decided to get drunk that particular night. Because I was nursing, I had to get my baby used to the bottle and formula beforehand. It took careful thought and lots of preparation. Well, things turned out great, I planned my return to the drug world beautifully and after that I never stopped using again.

How sick was I ? I finally ended up in an MMT program after many detoxes. I was told I didn't hit bottom yet because I wasn't giving up the heroin. By then heroin was the only drug I had used for the past few years. It was my drug of choice, my savior. I was young and had a family to raise, not to mention a husband who wasn't supportive at all. (He still isn't.) Heroin was my 'best friend' who was always there when I needed her.

So they were right, I couldn't let go. I eventually walked off the program after 3 years and ended up back in and out of detoxes, etc... I was losing friends and the faith of my family due to my creativity for getting money, if you know what I mean. Finally my husband took my two boys and left. He said " Get your shit together !! " Yeah right!!! Now I was free to feel sorry for myself, hehe! Needless to say, I lasted six months before I found myself back in a detox trying to get into a rehab, but was told I belonged in an out patient MMT program. Here I go again... I got my family back under false pretenses because I didn't tell him about the MMT. He just thought I was better. It didn't take long before he found out where I was going every day though. He started to think I was using, which I was, but the methadone certainly hid it well. He wasn't happy, but thought I was doing well and insisted I'd get off as soon as possible.

So, 10 years later, I decided to get off !! Yep, I was on for ten years, six of which I was clean, and that was due to one of the many, many counselors that I had. Because I was still using, she threatened me with a mandatory detox. I hated her, but I finally stopped using. She was really beginning to help me, more than any of the other 12 counselors I had over the years. She mysteriously disappeared one day and I was left without a counselor for a few months. When I was given a new one, it lasted a few months, and that went on for the next 3 years. I felt lonely again and I needed a 'friend', so I got back in touch with that "old friend" of mine who was always there when I needed her.

By the time I was given the second therapist who really helped me out, I was still giving "clean" urines, so she worked on a three day schedule for me. Even though technically, I didn't deserve it, it made a major difference in my life. I needed to get away from the "traveling everyday to get my fix scene". I needed to see if I'd be constructive with my daily routine without going some place first. (As we would say, "down", since it was the city, south of where I lived.) Anyway, with a three day schedule and me doing so well, I thought I was ready to let go of the methadone life line. Big Mistake!!! I was without a counselor once again, so I made this decision on my own, with a little help from my husband. I had a 3 day schedule, so the days I went to the program I drank my juice, and the days I had take homes I saved them in a container. I thought I was doing so well too because I wasn't getting sick and I wasn't on too high a dose, so by the time I had run out, I was feeling ok and thought I was handling it fine. I was so wrong, by the third day I was so weak I was calling out sick from work, but I still felt ok because I believed the worst was almost over and I'd be fine. Than the following week I was worse yet and so on and so on. I had to quit my job since I could barely stand, not to mention how I couldn't talk to anybody, even if I wanted to. I spent my days locked in my room, drinking Gatorade, eating only saltines and in the bathroom getting rid of everything I just put in my body. I had forgotten what it was like to be dope sick, but this was worse. After the third! week, I gave up and desperately contacted my "old friend" once again.

After a few months of using, I am back on another MMT program. I am clean and yet I hate myself for failing. A year has just passed and I am already getting decreases because I still have this dream of living a drug free life. I believe I can do it with help from the right anti-depressants. Also, all of the clinics I have attended don't really help other than with my 'fix'. I hate the fact that again I am unable to go anywhere without going to the clinic first. I do not like the mixed messages I receive -- I am told I must work, but when I do, it's impossible to get medicated because of the hours I work and the hours the clinic doses, especially on weekends. I can get take-homes after so many clean urines, but they don't take urines every week, only once a month and out of twelve months, I've given only eight urines. Go figure! They treat everyone the same, when we're not all here for the same reasons. Some people are here for life, some are here to get over, and some want help with finding another way of living. Don't you think if you have a good enough therapist, they should be able to figure out who's who?

Thanks for giving me this opportunity to share my story.