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My name is John-Paul. I'm from Warwick (borders Providence), Rhode Island and this is a quick version of how I ended up on Methadone and why I choose to stay on it for now. I started using drugs at the age of twelve, but like everyone else, didn't use anything stronger than cocaine until I was about nineteen years old, but when I decided to upgrade my drug use I did so without flinching and with a vengeance. I snorted dope the first time I did heroin. I was in heaven, my depression went away immediately and it was dirt-cheap. It was my current fianceé boyfriend at the time who introduced me to dope, so I at least feel as though I got something worth while off of him for the life of torment he introduced me to that day, but at a huge price, I got his woman, but that is a different story. I grew up in a very bad household and I always used that as an excuse to justify my use and to make people feel so bad for me that many times they'd support my drug use The second time I used hard opiates was two days later, and it was dilaudid, and as anyone who has done dilaudid knows, if you want the dilaudid rush you need to shoot. From that day on I never snorted again, I married the needle. That was eight and a half years ago, I'm now twenty-eight and have been on methadone for two years this time and hopefully will be strong enough to stay on it as long as I need to, but I'm not so sure to be honest, because I feel like I just want to try and detox "the right way" and see if I can make it, even though I don't really believe I'd last more than a day off of methadone deep down inside. During those six years, I bounced from detox to detox, spent a few months on methadone, a few months off of methadone but never could I stay away from the dope, although when I was on methadone it always blocked the heroin very well, but I longed for the high and would walk off the clinic on a very high dose. This was real methadone I was walking off of, not methadose, and my god I've never felt anything more horrendous then coming off of a substantial dose of methadone when you have no money for dope. So of course, every time I left a clinic I used, and I used hard. I've done many things I'm not proud of. I dropped out of college which I was on scholarships to go to and I abused my friends and family emotionally and financially, and my family is not rich by a long shot. I stole from anyone that had something I could pawn and I manipulated anyone who would allow it. My girlfriend used with me this whole time, since the same guy who turned me on turned her on also. For a long time we were like one big junky, the junky couple if you will. We always had one scam or another to get high. That is why it is so difficult to get clean when you are in a relationship, because when one of you feels strong enough to actually quit using, it seems the other is always in a bad way and not capable of such a feet. We also contracted hepatitis c during this time and have yet to seek treatment for it, but that is another story. I am not cured by a long shot, and I still get bouts of depression, but as long as I can stay strong enough to not jump off this clinic things will get better for me. Two years ago I would have cursed anyone who suggested I go back on methadone because of the bad experiences the people that run these clinics left me with, but I came to the realization that it's not them I need to worry about. I need to just ignore those people the best I can, although it is hard when it seems like they run your life and hang the methadone over your head like a piece of cheese to a mouse. Without methadone I would be on the streets strung out and sick, and for that I am forever grateful. Hopefully someday I will be able to do it without it, but if not so be it, because it makes my life manageable.
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