August 3, 2000

I was what you would call the All-American boy, the one who was a football star, popular, middle-class, smart, and all the other "appropriate" things. I never dreamed that I would get strung out and become an addict, nor did anybody else, and I especially never dreamed that I would end up using a needle to do dope.

I have two older brothers, one is four years older than me and the other is six years older than me. While I was growing up I always watched them drink with their friends and noticed what a good time they had partying on the weekends. I was always the little brother who tagged along with the older brothers, but they didn't mind cause I fit right in.

My friends and I would steal their beer that they hid in the creek below the house (my mom and dad are very religious, Dad used to be a preacher) and we would drink it on our weekend camping trips in the mountains. This weekend behavior was a common occurrence when I was 13 years old. By the time I was 16, I was drinking almost every day, some how I was still able to keep up with my schooling, sports, and social activities. This was fun, my friends and I always said that we would never be like those people who got strung out on dope, much less stick a needle in our arm.

I drank, smoked a little pot, and maybe ate a valium (which I didn't even care for) as this is what everybody did at my age, especially the "cool and popular" ones. I thought that I was doing the right thing, because I would attend parties with people in their 20's, 30's, and hell even in their 40's. I never ate anything stronger than a valium throughout high school, but that would change the summer after graduation.

My middle brother turned me on to three Lortabs one night when we were camping out, boy did this feel good~

At about this time I met my future wife Donna. She also embarked on this journey with me. It started out on the weekends with eating a few pills and drinking a little, but the drinking was soon replaced permanently by the opiates. The weekend habit soon turned into an everyday habit. I still feel guilty for getting her started using dope, because she was only 16 years old at the time.

When you start eating something every day, your tolerance starts to develop quickly and soon we were eating 20 pills a day and still not getting high. We had always sworn that we would never stick a needle in our arm and hadn't yet, but this was about to change. When you are this sick, you will do or try just about anything in order to feel better. I still did not consider us "addicts" as we still had everything including jobs, a place to live, money to spend, notorcycles, etc.

One day our chance came. We had taken quite a few Lortabs and lots of Tussionex that day, and we were still sick. A lot of the people we hung around had started using needles to shoot dope (morphine/heroin/dilaudid), while we stuck to eating our Lortabs. This particular day our chance came; like that saying there is a right time and place for everything. We were sick and gave in to the temptation, so we split a 60 mg morphine pill and had someone else hit us with it, however from then on we shot ourselves. This seemed like a better way in more than one way as it was cheaper for the both of us, cause one pill would last us both all day.

I never would have dreamed the difference between shooting something and eating it, the rush that we got was unreal and the high lasted and lasted.

Eventually we were doing it every day, selling some to make some (as it is impossible to feed a $400 a day habit legally), and we changed like you would not believe. Soon we were selling everything we owned, we lost our place to live and had to move back in with our parents (but told ourselves it was to save money, ha ha), Donna was stealing checks, etc. The only thing that I managed to keep was my job and that was only because of the way things used to be, besides you always need money when you are strung out.

It is a horrible feeling when you are used to making it on your own and have to move back home because you are spending all your money on dope. I believe this was one of the lowest points in my life. I lost Donna for a month while she went to a methadone program, I told myself that I couldn't go every day and work, even though I chased dope every day, all day. I saw the difference that it made in in my life, but I was still not ready to admit that I was an addict (I could quit at anytime--bullshit).

Donna detoxed off methadone and we were both wide open again, so we decided to go to a methadone program together. The closest program was about 120 miles, round-trip, but it was worth the drive because I knew from the first week that things were going to improve.

The methadone worked for me just as good as it had for Donna the first time and soon we were on our way back. After that first week, we cut all ties with the people with whom we used to do dope. Within three months of starting the MMT Program we moved into an apartment, Donna was working full-time, and we were starting all over again. We had lost everything, even the microwave and vacuum cleaner. Within sex months we almost had our "dope debt" (money borrowed for dope) paid off, we're making it on or own again, and we're going to the clinic three times a week.

It is now four years later, and we have been able to stay clean all this time. We just paid off our home, and were married December 30, 1999 (we have been together 11 years this month). We are in the best place that we have ever been, our relationship is the best it ever has been, and we are working towards having our first child. We will probably be on methadone for the rest of our lives and that is alright by me. I would not have any of the things that I have now, if it wasn't not for methadone. I still blame myself sometimes for us turning out like we did, but that is the past and it is what I do in `the present that counts. Don't get me wrong, life has it's problems but now I can handle them on life's terms and without turning to drugs.

I enjoy the little things now, the things that you never notice when you are strung out. I am still the same good person that dope almost destroyed, but thanks to methadone this did not happen. Don't get me wrong, methadone isn't a cure, however, it is a tool that will help you if you are ready for the changes necessary to lead a drug-free life. Methadone is a million times better than the life of addiction, I thank God for all things I have achieved and all the things that are left for me to experience.

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