August 1, 2000

My story isn't much different than every body else's, except it happened to me. After losing everything; my family, my daughter, myself, my soul, I knew then, I that I had to do something.

My "bottom" hit when I got fired from the Holiday Inn, I was the public housekeeper. Strung out, living in a college studio apartment, I realized it was either sink or swim. Thank God I decided to swim!

This was the beginning of my "recover quest". My first stop was in a Christian home about 30 miles from where I lived. No smoking. I figured, "Hell, I gotta kick this shit anyway, why not do it all at once". That day I had my "fix" so it was easy to say that! As the day wore on, I started craving a cigarette. Then I started getting an attitude about this, thinking, "I'm not there to quit smoking, they shouldn't make a person kick all this shit at once". Needless to say, I was gone from the treatment facility by the next afternoon.

I called my sister and asked her to meet me at the Welfare Department, which was 20 miles from "home". She came reluctantly. She knew I was strung out, and told me that I had to find someplace to go and I had to get help.

I started calling Rehabs, and all of them but the Christian facilities wanted money upfront and there were no exceptions. Most of them also had a waiting list. I wasn't sure if I would still be alive by the time I could get in one of the Rehabs.

I found another Christian Treatment Program in Southern California. Why not? I asked if there was smoking allowed, and they assured me that there was. My dear sister bought me a Greyhound Bus ticket and sent me on my way.

Twelve hours later, at 3:00 a.m. I arrived at what I thought would be my new "home". I was awakened at 6:00 a.m. and told I had to go to the "Ranch" for the first two weeks of treatment, then I could come back to this house I never saw. When I finally arrived at the 'Ranch', I was sicker than a dog. I just wanted a cigarette, a bed, some quiet and sleep. When I finally arrived at the "Ranch", I was told there was no smoking!!!!! I was so pissed! I felt lied to and cheated.

The preacher's wife comes told me if I truly loved Jesus I could quit, that God wanted "all" of me not just what I was willing to hand out. I was crying, pleading my case that I would worry about quitting later that kicking was hard enough without worrying about smoking. No deal! About three days later she walked in on me rolling some smokes and took my tobacco! All of it! I had $5.00 so I figured I'd find a store and buy another pack of Bugler.

I lasted two weeks at the Ranch and decided this was not what I had in mind for recovery. I felt like I was thrown into a room with my Bible and told to read it. Cook for all these people in this house and follow a strict set of rules. Anyway, I'm glad I went there. I got clean, but, my quest had just begun.

By going to one Rehab after another, I was able to avoid doing drugs for almost a year. I then suffered an attack of my gallbladder and was hospitalized during surgery. While in the hospital, I was hooked up to a patient-controlled morphine IV. My relapse began.

This hick town I live in fought with everything they had to prevent the Methadone Clinic from coming here. But, at long last around 1991 or so, the clinic finally opened. A friend of mine kept asking me why didn't go to the Clinic. He told me it was a lot cheaper in the long run instead of spending my money buying drugs on the street.

One day it hit me like a bolt of lightening! Why don't I go to the Clinic? What a concept.

So four years ago, I started Methadone Maintenance and it has literally saved my life! That, and a strong faith in God, and the power of positive thinking. I have gone back to school, am on the Dean's List, and I have a job. I have my own house since my divorce, and no longer have to have a roommate in order to afford a place to live.

I don't know if I will get off methadone or not, Right now, I need it and it is connecting the dots, so my wiring works. I am interested in finding an alternative solution to my "wiring" problem and if anyone has any information, please share!

By the grace of God there go I. I also know that just not using anymore is only the beginning of the journey. This is where the work comes in and I have been able to work on changing my behavior or at least catch myself and recognize stuff I never knew I was doing. I actually feel now. I cry again. I went for years where there were no tears. My brother-in-law died and I couldn't cry. I was sad, but, nothing...no feelings at all. I feels good to feel again. All of it-- The good, the sad, the tragic, the incomprehensible. Life is good.

Ruth :)