August 1, 2000

I have been given narcotic pain meds for the past 15 years due to various pain disorders. It started w/ severe migraine headaches which lead me to the ER anywhere from four to eight times a month for Demerol shots. I had to file for bankruptcy at age 24 due to medical bills. This was because of medical bills I had accumulated while I was in college and had no medical insurance. I never knew that there was anything wrong with taking these pain pills for years on a daily basis.

The Doctors prescribed them to me, and knew I was taking them, so what could be wrong with using them? To me, these pills were like an antibiotic that I needed, or so I thought. I am not sure exactly when I crossed the line of using the pills for physical pain and using them for emotional pain.

When you have chronic pain conditions like severe cluster migraines, endometreosis and fibromyalgia, plus a very serious car accident that has left me with permanent damage, all of this pain will eventually lead you to have some sort of anxiety and depression. When I realized that I was an addict, and that I had to stop using these pills, was I ever in for the surprise of withdrawals! I never knew what withdrawals were or that this would happen to me. I just stopping using everything Cold Turkey.

To make a long story short, I have tried everything to stay clean. I have been on and off of this roller coaster ride with pain pills for over a year now. I started reading about Methadone about three months ago. I had been in NA, and had been totally clean for 90 days when I had to have emergency kidney surgery. There I was again, back in the hospital, and on opiate medications that I had never even heard of, (and I thought I knew of every pain medicine that there was). I knew going into the surgery that I would have to be medically detoxed because I hadn't been clean long enough to detox myself, and since I am an addict, detoxing myself wasn't going to work.

At this point, I had decided that instead of going back into a hospital to be detoxed, that I would just go on MMT. The day before I was to go to the clinic, I decided that I would try one more time to detox myself.

I was successful at not using for about a month. During that time, I was going crazy with the ups and downs of post acute withdrawal symptoms. My Doctors knew what I was going through, and I had really tried virtually everything I could to stay off of medications, including taking several psychiatric medications, yet nothing seemed to be working. All I wanted was to feel normal, I functioned much better on opiates than I did without them. It wasn't a matter of getting high, I just wanted to feel normal! Reluctantly, I again made an appointment to go to a methadone clinic.

I can't tell you how much it has changed my life. Within two weeks, everyone I knew couldn't believe what a different person I was. No one knows that I am on MMT, except my boyfriend with whom I live. I certainly will never tell anyone in NA that I am on MMT. Although, it is extremely ironic that it is those people in NA who are so extremely against methadone that keep telling me how far I have come from "working the steps" and how much better I seem to be and that whatever it is that I am doing-- I should keep doing it because I seem to be so much happier and less manic. Some even say I seem to have a shine in my eyes and seem extremely serene. Well, I am serene, because I'm not obessessing about drugs 24/7 and am hardly in pain. I truly feel like 1000 pounds of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Methadone saved my life. I am a much better mother than I have ever been. My mood is extremely stable, and I am off of all those psychiatric medications. I went from taking six to eight pills a day (not including pain meds) to taking nothing but methadone. I am not worried about damaging my liver with pills, and am very grateful that my liver enzymes are as low as they are.

I have fought this disease of addiction with everything that I have, and I was slowly killing myself in the process. Now I feel great! I don't get high, I can drive my car, and I love being with my children and actually BEING there for them, instead of being spaced out on pain meds or tranquilizers. I have loads of patience that I never knew existed in me and it feels so good to have feelings again, even if they are not always good feelings. It feels good just to know that I have them so I can work on them.

I am still working the 12 step program, and I feel that I am actually getting it this time. Although, I hate having to keep this a secret I truly believe that you can be in NA and work the steps while on a proper MMT treatment. But, when and only when you are serious about wanting to be clean and working with a substance abuse counselor that understands where you are coming from, and with whom you can be totally honest. However, I still would only recommend this as a LAST RESORT WHEN YOU HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING ELSE.

There was a guy in my home group that died several days ago from an accidental overdose after a relapse. He couldn't stop using, and wouldn't go on MMT because of what NA thought of it. I wonder now if he had been on MMT, if he would still be alive?? That so easily could have been me. I feel that I have now arrested my disease and am moving toward a normal life FINALLY!!

What works for me may kill you. That is why I went ahead with the treatment and decided that it just wasn't anyone else's business, and that I would just keep it to myself.

I'm sorry this is so long, but, perhaps if you were like me and are reading these stories to help you decide whether or not to start on a MMT program. Maybe you have a loved one who is an addict and they are on a MMT program, and you just want to educate yourself to understand what that person is going through. Hopefully this story will help.

All addictions are bad, but opiate addictions are extremely underestimated and misunderstood even by the medical community. I have never done heroin or shot up anything with needles in my life. I've never had any problem quitting any other drug like pot, which I loved but quit when I started having children. But for grace of God go I. I couldn't control the pain pills. I don't want to die, and I don't want to end up losing my children, or end up in jail or constantly go in and out of mental institutions.

My biggest fear now is getting off of methadone. I am not going to worry about that now. As it was before, I was certain to have to take medication for the rest of my life. If I have to take medication, I would rather take one medication than six different ones everyday. So, here I am and this is my story. MMT may not be for everyone, but I feel it has saved my life, and I have never felt cleaner than I do right now.

If anyone out there reads this and can relate, I would love some support as I do not know anyone else who is on MMT. If you'd just like to ask me some more questions, or just need some support, please feel free to email me.

As always, one day at a time.
Staci