August 10, 2001
New Hampshire

I am not a good writer when it comes to expressing my feelings but I will give it a shot . I am a MMT patient in NH who up until the past year and a half was on that awful , crazy roller coaster ride called active addiction.

My own personal ride started off as a bad injury that resulted in me having to be on a lot of strong narcotics over a long period of time, when I became aware that when I did not take my medication I became ill, and I do mean ILL....I got very scared and told my doctor....at that point my doctor stopped me cold turkey and said that I had become addicted to the pain meds and I shouldn't be on them anymore. I had NO clue of what my life was about to become because of that, I was in pain and "dope" sick as we call it and all I knew was that if I had my pain meds I would not feel this horrific sickness and pain that I did. I would "doctor shop" to the extreme that I was very well known and it became very, very hard to get any meds the so-called "legit" way. P

Pharmacies knew me, and I was scared to death of going to jail for doing something illegal due to my addiction. In my first detox was where I was first introduced to Heroin. I was told that Heroin would do the same thing for me but I didn't have to bother with doctors anymore, and I could get it easily....well, that person was right and I was now snorting heroin to keep myself out of pain and not sick anymore.

I had learned a little about opiate treatment and all in detox but the pain issue with me was still there and NO doctor that I turned to up until that point would even touch me even when I was being 100% upfront and honest about my addiction.

I eventually became pregnant and went thru 3 detoxes during my pregnancy, I was so scared that I had harmed my unborn child that I wanted off this ride....I needed help ! I managed to go live at a residential treatment center for 16 months in which I learned so much, that I felt I could lick this thing. I got out and within a year the pain issue had gotten me back into full swing addiction. I, by the grace of god found a doctor that understood me and helped me, I was always truthful with him, even when I was totally embarrassed by my actions. He never judged me.

When time came that I heard about methadone and what it does and how it could help me, I talked to my doctor and I went in for the intake. I was a little skeptical about how I would do, but when I got to a dose that kept me clean from using, I felt as if someone had sent me this wonderful secret that had been hidden from me all this time, but alas, it was only a 180 day detox and by time I had gotten down to 50mgs a day I was back out there.

I didn't know where to turn until my counselor told me that in Mass. they had MMT and I could go there and stay on the methadone, but it would be a long and expensive deal for me to do, but I had to do it, so I drove two hours a day and paid out of pocket 133.00 a week to keep clean, until they had opened a clinic up in NH that would eventually handle MMT...I did change clinics and go to NH but I had only 180 days once again, or until the state got the regs in place so that they could start the MMT, so once again to stay on methadone I had to go BACK to Mass for 3 months...all of this was horrible in its own way because the clinic in Mass was a nightmare to say the least.

I prayed to get back to NH as soon as possible. In June I was able to go back to NH and continue my methadone dosing, the clinic in NH has been very supportive and I do not know where I would be if I had not found MMT! I am a very functional member of society, I have a great job, I work hard, and I have my own car and apartment of which I would never be able to handle if I had not gotten onto the MMT program! MMT is a lifesaver and for anyone who thinks that it isn't, hasn't had the unfortunate wrath of addiction plague them and have methadone save them from a certain death.

I drive every day to my clinic without an ounce of remorse that I have to do this. I know that it is what I need to do to keep my life in check...I just wish that others could find their way to this place and they too could find out just how great life can truly be.....Thank you for listening.